Saturday, May 31, 2008

I am not what you think I am

Some days back, I got a comment on my Chatbox that my posts were degrading to women, that I treated women as "property" in my posts and what if the character had been my sister and thoughts of that sort. I dont have the original comment otherwise I would have posted that. Now, I did not pay much heed to the comment as it was anonymous. Unfortunately, my Chatbox got deleted while I was changing my template. Now I have got this new comment on one of my posts, presumably by the same person. It reads as,

"Oh I notice you have removed your shoutbox after I left a message there. That still doesn't make you a woman-respecting man. In fact it shows that deep inside, you know it's true as well. I didn't mean to sound harsh. It just came out in a bout of anger. But really, I would ask you to take a moment and reflect on whether you really want women in your life to be like that."

Why am I taking notice now? Because now I can assume that the commenter is really serious. Because it hurts me to think that it could be a woman who seriously feels this way. And I really want to know if unknowingly I am writing something that is 'really' degrading to women. So, I want to clarify ceratin things about my posts.

First, though nearly all my posts are written in first person, they are entirely fictional unless otherwise stated. I hope I dont believe I have to write a disclaimer at the beginning. Though fictional, I have always believed in my characters and it would not be wrong to say that a part of 'me' is in them. I know my stories have mostly dealt with girls, imaginary sex and friendship. But in my defence, being a student, these are the topics I am comfortable with and I believe you should always write on topics you are comfortable with. I have always been a "woman respecting" guy. Though I dont have a sister, I really really wish that I had one. I have always believed that the bond between a sister and a brother is the most amazing one. I hate perverts and can never imagine of being one. I have a number of female friends and I can assure you that they will confirm this. Yes, sometimes I have dealt things like sex and love and girls lightly in my posts but all of these have been strictly written with a cheesy sense of humor.

So Miss Anonymous ( I beleive you are a girl from the sensitivity of the allegations), I would like you to come forward( with your original name) and tell me which part you found "degrading to women". I sincerely promise I will try to rectify myself in future. As for others, I would really appreciate it if you could tell me if I am going overboard in terms of decency when I write about sex and things like that.

Friday, May 30, 2008

The Ice-cream Parlour Girl Again

Before reading this, read the previous post "The Ice-cream Parlour Girl".

The last thing I wanted was to let Sunny have a girlfriend. That meant an end to many things between us. An end to the long chats we used to have on hot girls, computer games, hot girls, music and hot girls coz all he wanted to talk about now was Sonali. An end to the evening rides on my bike around the ladies hostel. Ofcourse it didn’t mean an end to our porn weekends. Only that I watched them alone now and it was I who brought the CDs from the store now. It seemed weird that whenever I went there, I could find my friend’s brother or my dad’s friend there and I somehow ended up bringing home ‘Pakeezah’ or ‘Mother India’. I had even stopped going to the ice-cream parlour. I once went there alone but I could feel the waiter mocking me with his Dracula teeth. When I sat at ‘my’ table, suddenly I felt the spotlight on me. Everyone in the parlour left everything they were doing and looked at me as if I am the lead in a tragedy play. They were all ready with their ice-cream cups and cones to throw at me if the play went bad. It was scary. I never went there again.

I realised I was losing a lot of hair when my wash basin was clogged with my own martyr hair. My aunt said that I had lost a lot of weight. Though she cant be counted upon as that was her familiar form of greeting someone, even Sumo wrestlers, I believe, if she met one. It was strange that Sunny who could tell from my eyes if I had taken an afternoon nap or not could not see any change in me. Believe me, the worst feeling in the world is when you realise you are now not wanted. Its as if no-one cares about now. Its as if you are invisible now. You can take my word that being invisible and walking on the streets naked or hiding in some girl’s bathroom seemed only fun in the movies. I learned it the hard way.

As much as I was jealous of Sunny, I realised that I had something for Sonali. I smiled like a wet puppy wanting to be picked up whenever I saw her face. I felt a tiny prick in my heart somewhere when Sunny used to tell me how he kissed her.I even dreamed about threesomes where I would be on top of...Okay thats personal. Now Sunny didn’t know a thing about it. So when I told him that I would like to go with them to the restaurant, he seemed surprised.

“What?” , he exclaimed. “We are going on a date man. You are not allowed to come with us.”
“Of course I am. There is no rule in ‘The Official Book of Dates’ that two guys are not allowed in a date”, I said matter-of-factly.
“There is a book? How come you didn’t tell me about it? I need that.”
“Okay, now that I have told you, can I come?”
“Yeah I guess you can if theres no rule”, he said spreading his hands.
It was so easy to convince this guy.

It was a nice restaurant. Red Chinese bulbs hanging everywhere in the beige surroundings looked nice. I didn’t have much trouble finding them with Sunny waving his hands violently from there.
“Man, I searched the book you said in the store. It just had pictures of deserts and palm trees. Nothing real”, Sunny said as soon as I sat down.
I managed to look surprised.
I looked at Sonali. She was looking so beautiful .I blurted out a faint hello.
“Hi, I was waiting for you.”, she said.
What! Did she say that . ‘I was waiting for you’ could mean different things in different contexts. But the first thing to remember when you are with girls is to forget the context. I remember one time when I was with Pooja, the hottest chick in our class and she was so frustrated with me that she said ‘Fuck you’. That was it. I went about telling everybody that Pooja wanted me to fuck me but I didn’t. I was like a hero for some days until I told somebody the context.

During the evening, I noticed that Sonali was looking down even she talked with Sunny. It was not a good sign. I had learned one thing watching the Discovery channel late at night. When the male gorilla looks for a mate, he has just one thing in his mind “Good Sex”. On the other hand, the female gorilla is really confused, she may like the smell of his armpit or the length of his you-know-what, she always has things like ‘will he be a good father?’ or ‘will he take care of me when I am old’ running in her head. And after all humans are closely related to gorillas. So a female (now I am talking about humans) might fall for you initially but when she realises you don’t fit her conditions, she becomes apprehensive. Sunny’s stupidity had initially attracted Sonali. While jogging in park, when you see a guy on the bench laughing at nothing, you feel intrigued. You sit by him and laugh, you feel nice. But then at one point of time, the same laugh irritates you. You abuse him, kick his groin, pinch his nipples hard but he doesn’t stop his stupid laugh. It is then that you realise that he is a stranger and its time to move on. And somehow I felt that Sonali was realising that.

I have been never good at predicting things beforehand. When my sister got pregnant and I told her it was going to be a boy, a girl was born. The next time, I played safe and said that it was going to be a boy or a girl. Again I was wrong. So you see, when Sonali and Sunny broke up, I was happy that atleast one of my predictions came right. I had thought that Sunny would be devastated from it but he took it unexpectedly well. He would sometimes remember her but then Sonali was hot. Things were slowly returning back to normal. As for me, I had never gotten over my crush but I was again busy with Sunny. We now again had the bike rides and the porn weekends and it was a relief to have Sunny bringing the CDs.

It was our first evening at the icecream parlour after Sunny’s breakup. I mocked the waiter now although I missed his Dracula teeth. We had some icecreams for a change. It was then that I saw Sonali opening the door.
She was wearing the same white dress that she had worn on the first day we had met her here. She was coming straight to us.

She sat at out table and then looking straight into my eyes, said, “I like you Rahul. And I know you like me too. ”
Again I felt like I was an actor in a theatre, the spotlight was on me, everyone including the Dracula waiter was looking at me with anticipation to hear my dialogues. If I said them right, I would be a big star. If I messed it up, I would lose everyone, my best friend, my crush, all of them. God! The threesome was so much better in my dreams.

(To be continued...) (Sorry Guys...Could not end it...)

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

The Ice-cream Parlour Girl

I love the ice-cream parlour at the end of the road. Brightly lit and with plush seats everywhere, a myriad of colors and flavours in rectangular glass boxes inviting you, the air conditioned air with a mild fragnance, this was the perfect place to take out your girlfriend to on a summer evening. And it was only for the last reason that I loved it. I and Sunny( would come back to him later) often would go out to this shop to look at all the couples making out there. Initially, the waiter used to come and ask if we wanted something. But we were always ready with excuses like “Oh, do you have the exotica-de-olivia?” or “Shit! We thought you accepeted credit cards” or “Do you take orders for home delivery coz we dont eat icecreams at public places.” After some days, the poor waiter resigned to his fate and concluded that we were like those uninvited pigeons which inevitably came when you bought a house at the top floor. We would sit at our favourite place and rue the fact that the squint eyed guy was with “hot legs” or that the guy with eleven fingers always came with a different girl. But today was going to be different.

Sunny had been my best friend since the day I knew what ‘best friend’ stood for. He had the look of a rapper who had been forced to turn a schoolteacher. Always with his just-outta-bed hairstyle and his trademark red glasses, he blabbered nonsense incessantly and was annoying at most times. You had to try very hard to like him at first sight. And sights thereafter. My mother hated him. Back when I first took him to my house, my mother was sitting on the couch doing what housewives do best- watching soap opera while the maid cleaned the table squinting at the tv. Before I could introduce everyone, Sunny went, touched our maid’s feet. My mother had been hit where it hurt the most.The closest Sunny had come to a girl was three years ago when he often talked with a girl on the phone. They hadnt met each other but they were “very close”. When the girl met Sunny and asked him if she looked the same as he had imagined, he said,” Hell! You have way too smaller boobs.” That was the end of that. That's Sunny for you.

Today was a special day. Not because it rained on a summer evening, though it was a contributing factor. But because we met Sonali. When Sonali, soaked wet, enetered, every guy on every table looked at her. All the dogs, with thier tounges out were looking at a fresh new piece of bone. While others quickly realising that they were tamed ones, drew their tounges in, I realised I was a wild dog. It was the first time I was happy about sitting here with Sunny rather than a chick. Both of us were smiling at her. She smiled back and came and sat at our table.

“Hi I am Sonali.”
“I am Rahul and this is my friend Sunny.”, I said.
“You can call me Sunny.” Yeah, thats Sunny again for you.
“So, how come you are all wet?”, Sunny asked.
“Oh I was just going to my house when it started raining. I hate being all wet in the rain.”, she said wiping her hair with a napkin.
“Well, you can always pee in your pants during the rain. The warm liquid always feels nice against your thighs. And you dont even have to wash your pants again.”, Sunny said with a serious face.
Probably she took it as a joke and smiled.
“So you come here often?”, Sonali asked.
“Yeah sometimes when we are free and...”I was beginning to say when I was interrupted.
“Yes everyday, not to eat though. We come here just to watch the couples kissing.”
I forced a nervous laugh as if to say, “Nice joke”
We talked for a few minutes till the rain stopped. She promised she would meet us again tomorrow here.

The next morning, I went to Sunny and said I wanted to see her alone. He said he understood. Probably, he had been planning to say that to me before. I dont know why he did that. Sometimes, you think you know a person so well, but he opens a facet sompletely unknown to you. When I went to the shop, Sonali was already sitting there. She seemed dissapointed that Sunny hadnt come. I lied to her that he would come soon. Though we talked, she always had her eyes on the door. I was really jealous that she would like Sunny more than me. It was then that I realised that love is not all about appearance. Love is more about connecting with someone. Weird as it may seem, love is more like a plug and hole combination. If the plug is too loose, it falls off whereas if it is too tight, one or the other usually cracks. You just need the perfect connection to stay alive in a relationship. You may have the most decorated plug but if it does not connect, its useless. And Sonali had connected with Sunny. And “hot legs” had connected with the squint-eyed guy. And the guy with eleven fingers connected with everyone.

That night, I went to Sunny and told him that Sonali liked him. I was standing far off from him as I knew he would do his “I am so happy” dance crushing everything that came within his way. But he silently listened as if he had known this way too earlier. Why was he behaving differently today? Change often creeps me out. As soon as I closed the door, I could hear a vase crashing down. I was too happy that it was the same Sunny...

( To be continued...)


Wednesday, May 7, 2008


So no one told you life was going to be this way.
Your job's a joke, you're broke, you're love life's DOA.
It's like you're always stuck in second gear,
Well, it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year.

But, I'll be there for you, when the rain starts to pour.
I'll be there for you, like I've been there before.
I'll be there for you, cause you're there for me too.

Been revising Friends again. I can never seem to get enough of it. :)

Joey: Okay, some tricks of the trade.
Now, I've never been able to cry as an actor, so if I'm in a scene where I have to cry, I cut a hole in my pocket, take a pair of tweezers, and just start pulling.
Or ah, or, let's say I wanna convey that I've just done something evil. That would be the basic 'I have a fishhook in my eyebrow and I like it'
[Does it by raising one eyebrow, and showing off the pretend fishhook]
Joey: Okay, let's say I've just gotten bad news, well all I do there is try and divide 232 by 13. [looks all confused]
Joey: And that's how it's done. Great soap opera acting tonight everybody, class dismissed.

Ross: I'm gonna say this as Monica's brother. Not as your friend.

Chandler: So now you're not my friend?

Ross: Not now.

Chandler: All right.

Ross: So i couldn't be happier cause you're marrying Monica. But if someday you ever hurt her, I will hunt you down and kick your ass.

Chandler: Hahahahahahaha!

Ross: What, what? I'm just warning you. I'll hunt you down and kick your ass.

Chandler: Ok. So now you're my friend again?

Ross: Yes.

Chandler: You wouldn't believe what Monica's brother just told me...

Joey: I am telling this to Rachel! Monica: No, Joey! Joey: Unless...

Chandler: Unless what? Joey: Unless you name your first born after me.

Chandler: What? Why? Joey: Because, I may never have kids. Somebody's gonna have to carry on my family name.

Chandler: Your family name is Tribianni. [pause]

Joey: Oh ho ho! You almost had me there!

Chandler: Yo, paisan! Can I talk to you for a sec? Your tailor is a very bad man!

Joey: Frankie? What are you talking about? Ross: Hey, what's going on? Chandler: Joey's tailor... took advantage of me. Ross: What?

Joey: No way. I've been going to that guy for 12 years. Chandler: Oh, come on! He said he was going to do my inseam, and then he ran his hand up my leg. And then, there was definite... cupping.

Joey: That's how they do pants! First they go up one side, they move it over, then they go up the other side, they move it back, and then they do the rear.

[Chandler and Ross stare at him] Joey: What? Ross, Ross, would you tell him? Isn't that how they measure pants?

Ross: Yes. Yes, it is... In prison!

[One of Ross's students wrote a flirtatious evaluation of his class] Chandler: So, who is she?

Ross: I don't know. The evaluations were anonymous.

Joey: Well, do you still have their final exams? Ross: Yeah. Joey: Well, it's simple. You take the final exams and the evaluations, you see whose handwriting matches, and boom! You got your admirer!

Chandler: A hot chick is at stake and suddenly he's Rain Man!

Ross: I would date her but there is a big age difference.

Joey: Well think about it when you're 90... Ross: I know, she'll be 80 and it won't be such a big difference.

Joey: No. What I was gonna say is when you're 90 you'll still have the memory of what it was like to be with a 20-year-old.

Chandler: Alright, look if you absolutely have to tell her the truth, at least wait until the timing's right. And that's what deathbeds are for.

Rachel: I use my breasts to get other peoples attention! Monica: WE BOTH DO THAT!

[After Monica gets a disastrous haircut.] Ross: How's Monica?

Phoebe: She's calmed down a bit. I put a clip on one side, which seems to have stopped the curling.

Ross: How's the hair? Phoebe: I'm not gonna lie to you Ross. It doesn't look good.

Joey: Can we see her? Phoebe: No, your hair looks too good. I think it would only upset her. Rachel: Oh.

Phoebe: Ross, you can go on in.

Chandler: All right, you will notice that I am fully dressed. I, in turn, have noticed that you are not. So in the words of A. A. Milne, "Get out of my chair, dillhole!"

Joey: Okay. [He gets up and takes the cushions with him, as he starts to leave]

Chandler: What are you doing? Joey: You said I had to give you the chair, you didn't say anything about the cushions. Chandler: The cushions are the essence of the chair!

Joey: THAT'S RIGHT! I'm taking the ESSENCE!

Chandler: Why wouldn't your parents be happy that we're living together? Monica: Well, um, because mainly, um, they don't like you. I'm sorry.

Chandler: What? What? Why? Monica: Maybe because you used to be aloof, or that you're really sarcastic, or that, you know, you joke around all the time. Or that you take off your clothes and throw them on the couch.

Chandler: Is this why they don't like me or why you don't like me?

Joey: Here it is buddy boy, you hide my clothes, I'm wearing everything you own.

Chandler: Oh My God, that is so not the opposite of taking someone's underwear!

Joey: Look at me, I'm Chandler, could I *be* wearing anymore clothes?

Ross: What? No. What - what are you doing? GET OFF MY SISTER!

Minister: Friends. Family. We are gathered to celebrate here today the joyous union of Ross and Emily. Now Ross, repeat after me. I Ross...

Ross: I Ross...

Minister: Take thee, Emily...

Ross: Take thee, Rachel...Emily.

[Monica knocks] Chandler: You can't come in! Monica: Why not?

Chandler: Because, uh, Ross is naked. Ross: What? Chandler: Well, I couldn't tell her *I* was naked. She's allowed to see me naked.

Ross: Why does *anyone* have to be naked?

[Rachelle is crawling on the floor behind the couch secretly looking for Monica's lost earring] Monica: Rach? What are you doing?

Rachel: Oh I just can't watch. It's too scary. Monica: It's a pampers commercial. [Rachel looks up at the screen then goes back down...]

Rachel: Oh you know me, Babies, responsibilities, Ahhh!

[Describing her friends.] Monica: Married a lesbian, left a man at the altar, married a gay ice dancer, threw a girl's wooden leg in the fire, live in a box!

Ross: You know how at the end of the day, you throw your jacket over a chair? Joey: Yeah? Ross: Well at her place, instead of a jacket, it's a pile of garbage. And instead of a chair, it's a pile of garbage.

[Carol is nursing Ben.] Ross: This is the most beautiful, natural thing in the world. Joey: Yeah, but there's a baby sucking on it!

Joey: [watching Carol nursing Ben] If you blow into one side, does the other get bigger?

Joey: Ross, if homo sapiens actually were HOMO sapiens, is that why they·re exctinct? Ross: Joey, they are people! Joey: Hey, I'm not judging!

Ross: I guess I should have known... we'd be out somewhere, and a beautiful woman would go by, and Carol would go, "Ross, look at her." And I'd think, "My wife is cool!"

[Ross is newly divorced from his lesbian wife.]

Ross: You know what the scariest part is? What if there's only one woman for everybody, you know? I mean, what if you get one woman, and that's it? Unfortunately, in my case, it was only one woman for her.

Joey: What are you talking about? One woman? That's like saying there's only one flavor of ice cream for you. Let me tell you something, Ross. There's lots of flavors out there. There's Rocky Road, and Cookie Dough, and Bing! Cherry Vanilla. You could get them with jimmies, or nuts, or whipped cream! This is the best thing that ever happened to you! You got married, you were, what, eight? Welcome back to the world! Grab a spoon!

Ross: I honestly don't know if I'm hungry or horny.

Chandler: Stay out of my freezer!

Ross: First divorce: wife's hidden sexuality, not my fault. Second divorce: said the wrong name at the altar, kind of my fault. Third divorce: they shouldn't let you get married when you're that drunk and have stuff drawn all over your face, Nevada's fault.

Chandler: You tried to save a sandwich from a bullet? Joey: I know this doesn't make much sense...

Chandler: MUCH sense?

[Thanksgiving] Rachel: You know what we should do? We should play that game where everybody says what they're thankful for.

Joey: Oh! I should be thankful for the wonderful fall we've been having.

Everybody: YEAH!

Joey: I remember one day I was at the bus stop and this cool fall breeze came blowing out of nowhere and totally lifted this chick's skirt. Oh. And I'm also thankful for thongs.

[talking to Ross] Joey: I may only have a couple beers in me, but... I love you, man.

Chandler: I'm still on my first. I just think you're nice.

[Halloween costumes; Monica's Cat Woman and Phoebe's Super Girl]

Phoebe: Ah so we meet again oh Cat Woman

Monica: So we do oh Super Girl.

Phoebe: [Laughs] It's me, Phoebe.

Chandler: Hey Joey, where do Dutch people come from? Joey: Uh.. well the Pennsylvania Dutch come from Pennsylvania.

Chandler: and the other Dutch come from somewhere near the Netherlands right?

Joey: Nice try, see the Netherlands is this make believe place where Peter Pan and Tinkerbell come from.

[Ross is trying to cheer Chandler up who won't get out of his sweatpants]

Ross: C'mon man, just take em off, just take em off and we'll have some fun.

[Jack knows that Richard is dating a younger woman, but doesn't know that it's actually Monica] Jack Geller: Come on, tell us. Jack's friend: Yeah. Is she really 20?

Richard: I'm not telling you guys anything.

Jack Geller: Come on, Rich. It's my birthday, let me live vicariously.

Ross: Dad, you really don't want to do that.

Jack Geller: Ahh, what's a little mid-life crisis between friends?

Richard: Jack, would you let it go?

Jack Geller: Look, I know what you're going through. When I turned 50 I got my Porsche. You... you got your own speedster.

Richard: Guys, seriously, it's not like that.

Jack Geller: Tell you what, maybe one of these weekends you can borrow the car and I could- Ross: Dad, I beg you not to finish that sentence.

Chandler: Now, remember, Ben, keep your balance. Ben: Thanks, daddy. Ross: No, remember, Ben, two mommies, one daddy.

Compiled from