The "Love Stick" Mails

I hadnt opened my spam mail folder since a long time. And now when I opened it, I was shocked to find plenty of "Lengthen your love tool" mails. Now wtf. Who told them. ;)

Here are some of the mails I have recieved.

Top secret of most lovers have been discovered.

Duh! Ask Dan Brown to write a novel on it. 

Ensure your potence and make love everywhere.

Everywhere?? * rolls eyes*

You are born to become her best lover.

Oh Am I ? And how many lovers she has? 

Few simple steps to dominate in bedroom.

* rolls eyes again *

Get a magic tool for lady's satisfaction.

Magic? I dont want one. What if it vanishes midway in the act? * imagines it and is terrified*

How to make your gf 10 times happier.

10 times? Can we bargain? 

All that she is dreaming about during long nights.

Wtf. And she said she was dreaming about me.

5 reasons why men cant satisfy women.

Are there only 5? *scratches head*

Spice your bedroom life.

Like all the spices in my dining-room life werent enough.

Want to become master of love making art?

Hell, no. * looks above and changes  decision*

Be the stud in 2008.

Shit! Why hadnt I seen this before. Can I use  it for 2009?* pleading for an yes*

Find your love stick gain here.

Love stick? Man, atleast have some respect for it. * sneers and curses*

Keep it up fast and simply.

Nice pun! You should have been a writer man.

You will be absolutely amazed when you see your penis gradually becoming Larger and Larger, right before your eyes!

Hell, what if it does not stop becoming larger( with a capital L). * imagines the size of the underwear needed* 

Just out of curiosity, I visited the sites mentioned. Normally, our college connection settings would not have let me open those  but then I always use proxies and all for the sites I want. ;) 

And believe me, what I saw there wasnt good. Besides a before-and-after photo, yeaawww *vomits all over his laptop*, there was info about ingredients, side effects, types( yeah it comes in herbal for those eco friendly people out there) and even a money back guarantee. And also different men toys ( quite different from those which you had as a kid, duh) like a ring and a ball crusher( also with photo) *vomits more, now drowned in his own vomit*

I quickly exited the site, took a few deep breaths and started thinking about my maths prof to banish those images. But it didnt help, rather it made things worse.( If you what I mean) ( For those who know what I mean, it was complete with rings and all.)

So that was it. Just now, deleted all the spam mails and promised myself never to take a look at them ever again. Really, never.

I am not what you think I am

Some days back, I got a comment on my Chatbox that my posts were degrading to women, that I treated women as "property" in my posts and what if the character had been my sister and thoughts of that sort. I dont have the original comment otherwise I would have posted that. Now, I did not pay much heed to the comment as it was anonymous. Unfortunately, my Chatbox got deleted while I was changing my template. Now I have got this new comment on one of my posts, presumably by the same person. It reads as,

"Oh I notice you have removed your shoutbox after I left a message there. That still doesn't make you a woman-respecting man. In fact it shows that deep inside, you know it's true as well. I didn't mean to sound harsh. It just came out in a bout of anger. But really, I would ask you to take a moment and reflect on whether you really want women in your life to be like that."

Why am I taking notice now? Because now I can assume that the commenter is really serious. Because it hurts me to think that it could be a woman who seriously feels this way. And I really want to know if unknowingly I am writing something that is 'really' degrading to women. So, I want to clarify ceratin things about my posts.

First, though nearly all my posts are written in first person, they are entirely fictional unless otherwise stated. I hope I dont believe I have to write a disclaimer at the beginning. Though fictional, I have always believed in my characters and it would not be wrong to say that a part of 'me' is in them. I know my stories have mostly dealt with girls, imaginary sex and friendship. But in my defence, being a student, these are the topics I am comfortable with and I believe you should always write on topics you are comfortable with. I have always been a "woman respecting" guy. Though I dont have a sister, I really really wish that I had one. I have always believed that the bond between a sister and a brother is the most amazing one. I hate perverts and can never imagine of being one. I have a number of female friends and I can assure you that they will confirm this. Yes, sometimes I have dealt things like sex and love and girls lightly in my posts but all of these have been strictly written with a cheesy sense of humor.

So Miss Anonymous ( I beleive you are a girl from the sensitivity of the allegations), I would like you to come forward( with your original name) and tell me which part you found "degrading to women". I sincerely promise I will try to rectify myself in future. As for others, I would really appreciate it if you could tell me if I am going overboard in terms of decency when I write about sex and things like that.

Talk Sex : The Indian Way

Imagine a scene...You are watching a nice movie with your father and suddenly the couple onscreen start becoming cozy, what would you do...
a) You could pretend nature was calling at the exact moment and lift your bum from the chair and go.
b) You could pretend the movie was boring and change the channel.
c) You could bravely watch the whole thing as if it were something you have watched since the time you peed in your pants.

The point here is how open are you with your father about sex. I am not that open. Hell, I dont even remember uttering the word anytime before him. Just remember when was the last time you had a sane discussion about sex with anybody. Anybody other than those college friends discussing fetishes which have nothing to do with normal sex as such. Are we so scared of sex that we never talk about it?

Why dont Indian parents believe in sex education, which has been such a success overseas? I will tell you what sex education in India is. Imagine a friend who has come to your place and asks if he can pee. But as you live in an one-roomed flat, you dont even have a toilet. (Dont ask me where you go to pee. At least you must be knowing that yourself). Now that is analogous to sex education. Both the sides are embarassed without the purpose being actually served. Leave sex education and remember that 'Reproductive System' class in school. The girls giggled while the guys listened intently as if this was their most important lesson in life. We had a beautiful madam teaching us but she was often asked awkward questions by an annoying boy like " Ma'm, can we have that 'intercourse' portion again?" or " Ma'm, would you mind touching on that 'erection' part? ". I guess no teacher has an answer for that.

Our parents believe sex will 'come' to us with age as was the case with them. Now thats some 'coming-of-age' story. So, does sex come? Yeah, it 'comes' through nasty porn movies, friends who know as much about sex as yourself and that newspaper guy who takes double the price for that sleazy magazine. No doubt all that sexual energy is bottled up inside us. Many remember the first porn they have seen. I dont remember the name but I have named it, "Veni Vidi Vomit" which roughly translates as "I came, I saw, I vommited"

Recently, Operation Park( Yeah the dumbos could not even find a better name) was launched in Bhubaneswar to catch young couples enjoying themselves at the park. Their fault- holding hands in public, sitting close to each other and saying romantic things, all non bailable offences under Indian Culture Act Section I-dont-know-what. The poor guys and gals had to jump over barricades and escape while those who were caught were flashed in newspapers with their faces blurred. So much for being liberal.

So, does our culture prevent us from talking about sex? What about Khajuraho and Kamasutra then? Well, actually the sculptors at Khajuraho were a group of horny guys who hadnt seen a woman in decades. With fingers wrapped around themselves ( pun intended), they sculpted an orgy scene on the temple wall. Now, the king( who was a bit of a loser himself in his sexual life) saw and tried that. He was immensely satisfied and asked the scluptors to fill the temple with erotica like that. And then was born Khajuraho. As for the story behind Kamasutra, I will tell it sometime later. So you see, Khajuraho and Kamasutra have nothing to do with Indian culture. Hence proved.

We, Indians are so hypocritical about sex. We will protest against a kiss on screen( remember Dhoom 2) but in the closed confines of our home, we will watch MMS clips of innocent couples robbed of their dignity and pride. We will watch phoren films with a nude Angelina Jolie and daydream about her but we will cry out aginst a Mallika Sherawat for wearing a bikini. We will never talk about sex as if we have never heard about it, but still some day soon, we will be the most populous country in the whole goddamn world. Who said we reproduce, we just multiply.

So, the next time you are watching a film with your father and a sex scene comes up, calmly ask him, "Father, have you done this?" Thats called talking about sex.