Gulzar and My Life

Was browsing through some of Gulzar's works on the net and found this one. Its so simple and yet says a lot...about life, about everything.

Udkar jaate huye panchhi ne bas itna hi dekha..

door tak haath hilaati rahi wo shaakh fiza mein

alvida kehne ko ya paas bulane ke liye

The "Love Stick" Mails

I hadnt opened my spam mail folder since a long time. And now when I opened it, I was shocked to find plenty of "Lengthen your love tool" mails. Now wtf. Who told them. ;)

Here are some of the mails I have recieved.

Top secret of most lovers have been discovered.

Duh! Ask Dan Brown to write a novel on it. 

Ensure your potence and make love everywhere.

Everywhere?? * rolls eyes*

You are born to become her best lover.

Oh Am I ? And how many lovers she has? 

Few simple steps to dominate in bedroom.

* rolls eyes again *

Get a magic tool for lady's satisfaction.

Magic? I dont want one. What if it vanishes midway in the act? * imagines it and is terrified*

How to make your gf 10 times happier.

10 times? Can we bargain? 

All that she is dreaming about during long nights.

Wtf. And she said she was dreaming about me.

5 reasons why men cant satisfy women.

Are there only 5? *scratches head*

Spice your bedroom life.

Like all the spices in my dining-room life werent enough.

Want to become master of love making art?

Hell, no. * looks above and changes  decision*

Be the stud in 2008.

Shit! Why hadnt I seen this before. Can I use  it for 2009?* pleading for an yes*

Find your love stick gain here.

Love stick? Man, atleast have some respect for it. * sneers and curses*

Keep it up fast and simply.

Nice pun! You should have been a writer man.

You will be absolutely amazed when you see your penis gradually becoming Larger and Larger, right before your eyes!

Hell, what if it does not stop becoming larger( with a capital L). * imagines the size of the underwear needed* 

Just out of curiosity, I visited the sites mentioned. Normally, our college connection settings would not have let me open those  but then I always use proxies and all for the sites I want. ;) 

And believe me, what I saw there wasnt good. Besides a before-and-after photo, yeaawww *vomits all over his laptop*, there was info about ingredients, side effects, types( yeah it comes in herbal for those eco friendly people out there) and even a money back guarantee. And also different men toys ( quite different from those which you had as a kid, duh) like a ring and a ball crusher( also with photo) *vomits more, now drowned in his own vomit*

I quickly exited the site, took a few deep breaths and started thinking about my maths prof to banish those images. But it didnt help, rather it made things worse.( If you what I mean) ( For those who know what I mean, it was complete with rings and all.)

So that was it. Just now, deleted all the spam mails and promised myself never to take a look at them ever again. Really, never.

The Break Up - A Comedy

What?

Rahul you have been an hour late and you are asking what. I have been sitting here looking at all these people while the waiter comes every five minutes and asks me if I want something. Do you know how embarrassing it is?

But am I to be blamed for that, Mansi? You know how much work I have these days. Still I take out time and come to see you and it’s my fault if I become a little late due to this bloody traffic.

Do you think I don’t have work Rahul? But I take time out for you, for me. This is the time we should be thinking about ourselves, not about others.

Thats what I have been doing, Mansi. Thinking about me, about us. Things are not like a year back when I had no responsibility. Now I have been promoted. I need to think about my future. Like all, I have dreamt of a big house, a luxury car and a hefty salary. I have to work hard for that. It wont happen if we just declare our love in this restaurant every day.

Yes. I know you have to work hard for your future but don’t I come in your future, Rahul? Dont you want to spend some precious time with me?

Of course, I do Mansi. But I want you to be happy with me and thats why I am doing all this.Waiter...bring us a coffee and a chocolate-vanilla shake please.

No, make it two shakes and make it a little early. I have waited long enough.

Thats what I hate about you, Mansi. You trying to thrust your wishes upon me. You trying to dictate how I should live my life. Why do you get to decide what I want, Mansi. I absolutely hate that.

But, its just a simple coffee, Rahul. I thought a shake would really calm your hot mind and...

No, its not just a simple coffee, Mansi. Its my life. I hate to pamper you everyday, taking you to dinner one day and to the movies the other day. My friends sneer when you call four times a day to say I love you. Do you know what they call me, Mansi. They call me the ‘hen-pecked bastard’. Is that what I am?

But you had said that you don’t care about...

But I have changed, Mansi. I am not that starry-eyed teenager any more who thought that love was the only thing in life you need to live for. I now know success is more important than love. I want to be successful, Mansi. Real successful. And whenever I want to climb the mountain to reach the summit, you love kind of drags me down to the hell I had always been. I want to come out of this.

Say it straight, you bastard.  Say that you are now bored of your girlfriend of three years. You have fucked me many times and thats what you have always wanted to do. Isnt it? Thats what all guys want. You now think I will scream and cry that you want to leave me. No Mr. Hen-Pecked Bastard, I will say goodbye and go have a sound sleep and...

I know you love me very much, Mansi. But your love has kind of become a burden for me. I carry that burden wherever I go, whatever I do. I want to live my life free not under the weight of your love. I am sorry, Mansi.

But Rahul...please Rahul...we have made it through three years. We should just give it another try. I promise I wont bother you, I wont even call you Rahul please...

No Mansi, we will talk about this some other time and I promise it wont be soon.

Rahul, wait please...

Ma’am, your two chocolate-vanilla shakes.

Fuck you.

My Crushes - Episode II

During one of those late night discussions at hostel, I was asked to list all my crushes. And believe me, it was really difficult. Starting from school teachers to perfect strangers, the list is seemingly endless. I have always believed in crushes more than in love. Love was like that unexplored territory which I was always afraid to go into. A crush was friendlier. It never demanded anything. I have always enjoyed my crushes. The times when I am thrilled, excited, frightened and passionate at the same time.  So, this is the second in the series of My Crushes.

 

I was at home enjoying??  the vacations. Each week had seven weekends and I was bored as hell. I joined a guitar class and also convinced one of my friends to join it. It was like crash course in 2 months of my vacation .

 

The class began every  morning at 8 and I was never late. The first time I was late, I saw a black pair of sandals at the footstep. As  a reflex, I straightened my hair, looked in the rear view mirror of the bike and went inside. Sitting there was the most cute girl I had ever seen. Believe me, you could never associate beautiful or sexy with her. She was just cute. No wonder her friends at school called her Angel.( I learnt this later) We just smiled at each other that day. It was just a friendly smile but I kept remembering it again and again. I practised very hard that night to impress her the next day. The creature that I was, I kept thinking of the perfect introduction line all night. For two days, I didn’t say anything. The third day, she asked me to play a note for her. I was a little nervous but I think I did all right. We began talking after that. She always talked like a li’l girl and I had always hated that. But there was no hint of fakeness in her tone. It was just plain innocence.

 

 Most of the times, our teacher would give us a song and go somewhere. The three of us used to have discussions on almost everything during these recesses. We used to have arguments on topics starting from “Vegetarianism”  to “Gayism”. She was a staunch supporter of  No-meat campaigns and I clearly remember she almost cried out in one of the discussions. Those classes were really the most interesting classes I ever attended. I found that she used to blog too. And good ones at that. I will soon post a poem by her.

Most of my friends never understand the fact that she was just 15 when I had a crush on her.Like age decided everything. They never understand that love is not always wanting. They never understand why I could have attended that class forever even if my fingers hurt like hell from all the strumming, why I would wait everyday at the gate just to walk beside her to the class, why I would look at her beautiful but clumsy fingers on the strings all throughout the class and why I would stare nervously at her only to look down when she saw me. Some things are better experienced.

 

 Some days before leaving, I wrote her an e-mail saying that I had a crush on her. Sometimes my friends ask me why do I always have to tell the girl. Well I have always believed that it hurts more saying nothing, wishing you had, than saying something, wishing you hadn’t. We exchanged mails for some days after that. And when I came back to the college and didn’t see her anymore for many days over, the feelings slowly faded. The mails stopped. I didn’t ask for her cell number. I will meet her someday, maybe in a few days, maybe in a few years. The day I meet her, will I be able to recognise her, will this old crush again rekindle itself, will she be as cute as she was the last time I saw her. But for now, I am free of these thoughts. That’s the magic of a crush. It never comes with a burden like love.

 

If someone asks me what I love most about a crush, I would say its the memories. The memories of love are often bitter, often painful. But the memories of a crush are always endearing. A crush comes in your life like a sweet flower, filling your life with all the fragrance and then it fades away, leaving a memory as sweet. Its like that wilted rose, which has been kept in an obscure book for so long that now it would crumple on touching or that yellowing love letter, kept carefully somewhere to always remind you that someone, at some point of time liked you more than anything else.