Talk Sex : The Indian Way

Imagine a scene...You are watching a nice movie with your father and suddenly the couple onscreen start becoming cozy, what would you do...
a) You could pretend nature was calling at the exact moment and lift your bum from the chair and go.
b) You could pretend the movie was boring and change the channel.
c) You could bravely watch the whole thing as if it were something you have watched since the time you peed in your pants.

The point here is how open are you with your father about sex. I am not that open. Hell, I dont even remember uttering the word anytime before him. Just remember when was the last time you had a sane discussion about sex with anybody. Anybody other than those college friends discussing fetishes which have nothing to do with normal sex as such. Are we so scared of sex that we never talk about it?

Why dont Indian parents believe in sex education, which has been such a success overseas? I will tell you what sex education in India is. Imagine a friend who has come to your place and asks if he can pee. But as you live in an one-roomed flat, you dont even have a toilet. (Dont ask me where you go to pee. At least you must be knowing that yourself). Now that is analogous to sex education. Both the sides are embarassed without the purpose being actually served. Leave sex education and remember that 'Reproductive System' class in school. The girls giggled while the guys listened intently as if this was their most important lesson in life. We had a beautiful madam teaching us but she was often asked awkward questions by an annoying boy like " Ma'm, can we have that 'intercourse' portion again?" or " Ma'm, would you mind touching on that 'erection' part? ". I guess no teacher has an answer for that.

Our parents believe sex will 'come' to us with age as was the case with them. Now thats some 'coming-of-age' story. So, does sex come? Yeah, it 'comes' through nasty porn movies, friends who know as much about sex as yourself and that newspaper guy who takes double the price for that sleazy magazine. No doubt all that sexual energy is bottled up inside us. Many remember the first porn they have seen. I dont remember the name but I have named it, "Veni Vidi Vomit" which roughly translates as "I came, I saw, I vommited"

Recently, Operation Park( Yeah the dumbos could not even find a better name) was launched in Bhubaneswar to catch young couples enjoying themselves at the park. Their fault- holding hands in public, sitting close to each other and saying romantic things, all non bailable offences under Indian Culture Act Section I-dont-know-what. The poor guys and gals had to jump over barricades and escape while those who were caught were flashed in newspapers with their faces blurred. So much for being liberal.

So, does our culture prevent us from talking about sex? What about Khajuraho and Kamasutra then? Well, actually the sculptors at Khajuraho were a group of horny guys who hadnt seen a woman in decades. With fingers wrapped around themselves ( pun intended), they sculpted an orgy scene on the temple wall. Now, the king( who was a bit of a loser himself in his sexual life) saw and tried that. He was immensely satisfied and asked the scluptors to fill the temple with erotica like that. And then was born Khajuraho. As for the story behind Kamasutra, I will tell it sometime later. So you see, Khajuraho and Kamasutra have nothing to do with Indian culture. Hence proved.

We, Indians are so hypocritical about sex. We will protest against a kiss on screen( remember Dhoom 2) but in the closed confines of our home, we will watch MMS clips of innocent couples robbed of their dignity and pride. We will watch phoren films with a nude Angelina Jolie and daydream about her but we will cry out aginst a Mallika Sherawat for wearing a bikini. We will never talk about sex as if we have never heard about it, but still some day soon, we will be the most populous country in the whole goddamn world. Who said we reproduce, we just multiply.

So, the next time you are watching a film with your father and a sex scene comes up, calmly ask him, "Father, have you done this?" Thats called talking about sex.